And out comes a truth:
I have not planned this.
Briley was planned. She was planned a year before we even started trying to conceive. I planned her outfits, I planned her room, I planned her birth, I planned bringing her home, and I planned our life as a family of 3.
This is very different. When I seen those 2 pink lines for the first time, I cried. I got Seth to double check. "But that one is really faint, right? Maybe i need to take another one." "Maybe I messed it up." Then the second test, "Maybe we need the digital kind.. they are easier to read." I had knots in my stomach for days- and it wasn't the morning sickness.
I am happy that we are going to have another baby. Its just the circumstances. The circumstances are why I am stuck in this denial phase. I'm not in denial that I am pregnant; that is pretty obvious. I get plenty of kicks as reminders. But I am avoiding the fact that I am doing this alone.
There are just so many things to worry about; so many things that are necessary to plan out in advance. Being alone with a nine month old and another baby on the way is a pretty complex situation. But when I try to come up with solutions and plans for all of the possibilities when going into labor, I feel overwhelmed, sad, scared, anxious, and seriously stressed.
When I ignore the fact that I will have to do this with my husband on the other side of the globe, I can function. I can be happy with the pregnancy. I can smile.
However, my friend reminded me that planning this is something I need to do. She also reminded me that I am not alone. I may not have Seth here, but I do have people I can rely on. Thank goodness, because I need them. My family needs them.
Once I have a plan set in stone (with a plan b, and emergency plan) I will feel much better and I know I will have peace of mind.
I just have to get there.
~Thank you to my friend.
1/3 of the way there.
