Planning

I am feeling at ease tonight as I have completed an emergency phone number list. As of now, my parents are planning on driving all the way up to NNY from Georgia, so when I have Will, Briley can stay here, sleep in her own be and be in her own house. For me, this is the best case scenario. Briley is my main concern. We have not been seperated  more the a few hours at a time. We live on a pretty strict routine because that is how we function best.  She always does just fine when I leave her with a friend for an apt. She doesn't even blink when I leave. But I am concerned about leaving her for atleat two days. The less change for her the better and if she stays in a familiar place I think she will be more comfortable. 

Unfortunitly in life, things dont always work out the way we would like. My parents might not be able to come, or they might not get here in time, or who knows. So in the case of an emergency I have a list of numbers of wonderful friends.  Also on the list I have my doctors numbers and reminders. Tomorrow I am going to type up a schedule for Briley. Of course that is subject to change as she grows over the next 2 months. But I can change it as we go. 

I feel a big relief having somewhat of an emergency plan. 

The hardest part about having a baby during deployment is leaving my 1st baby. But honestly I think being away from her will be harder on me then it will be for her. She's a strong and resilient little girl, and we will get through this together thanks to a lot of good friends. 

Bubble Gum

Last week, I decided to treat myself to a movie rental at the Redbox.  I don't get to watch movies often. I don't get to watch a TV show often.  So, I make my way to Wallgreens for a formula run. Afterwards, I picked out a comedy and juggling a shopping bag, a purse, and a singing Briley, I pulled out my wallet and out tumbles some change. I could hear multiple coins fall, though I could not see how much over my pregnant belly. At 31 weeks pregnant and holding a 10 month old, I was not about to attempt to bend over for some change.

 Some child holding his mommy's hand will surely see it on their way into the store. He will add it to his piggy bank at home where he is saving up for a new baseball cap. Or maybe after picking up a quarter he will have enough change in his pocket for some bubble gum.  I smiled at the image in my head as I take my movie and began to load Briley into the car.

When I looked up, a man coming out of the store passed the Redbox and bent over.  REALLY?? That quarter was for the little boy and his bubble gum.  The man seemed to smile as he walked to his car, passing a woman on her way in.  She gets to the Redbox and obviously sees some more change because she sped up to go and pick some up. SERIOUSLY. This lady even did a little hop as she added the booty to her pocketbook.

Now I know I had a few quarters in my wallet,some dimes- but it wasn't like I had more then a dollar or so in change. And I had no cash that could have fallen. So these grown adults, both about a decade or so older then me, were all happy about a quarter or some dimes.  I shook my head and headed home. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?!? You didn't look like it, but I hope you needed that change.  Somewhere out there there is a little boy that is a quarter short of some bubble gum.

Fluffy Stuff

Feathers. Everywhere. That pretty much sums up the past two weeks.  

Seth had one feather pillow. It hasn't been on our bed for years. I usually save it for guests, and recently I have kept it on my couch for mid-morning napping. Since it has been on the couch it has gained a lovely collection of drool, spit-up, and sticky baby-hand residue. I threw it in the washer, on a gentle cycle. Then I put it in the dryer, on medium.  I have read that you can clean feather pillows this way. Well, I go to open the dryer and I was enveloped in a fog of flying feathers. 

That one moment is a perfect example of my life lately; everything seems to be going wrong, life has been hard to be honest with you.  But at the same time, I have to laugh.  Briley has been very demanding.  We have been fighting a runny nose, a cough, and a changing schedule. 

In addition, I am getting bigger, more tired, and definitely more uncomfortable.  Its hard to get up, its hard to bend over, its harder when you are holding a 19 pound baby. Its hard to sleep. Its hard to keep up with the house, Its impossible to keep the dog clean.

 But this is what life is all about. Its kinda beautiful if you think about it. I miss Seth a lot. I wish he was here to give me a hand when I'm trying to stand up. And I wish he was here to get me some fried pickles late at night. I especially wish he was here to hug me after a long day.  But I'm okay... as long as I can finish gathering the last of the flying feathers out of my laundry room. I've got this. I am one more day closer.

First Steps

First steps. One of the biggest milestones. On the day of her 10th month, Briley took her first steps toward me after letting go of her activity table.  Naturally it came with a mix of emotions. So exciting! So happy! But oh my baby girl is growing in to a toddler so fast! And then there is the fact that Seth isn't here to see it. I tried to get her to do it while he Skyped us,  but she was too excited to see him on the computer.  I got to tell him about that first magical step, he seen her standing, and I am thankful for that. However, it is just not the same.  I know I should be happy, but I can feel that hole in my heart.

This past week I have been doing well emotionally, with a few hormonal exceptions. I have felt optimistic about time passing by and how soon he will be home.  Tonight I feel like it is light years away.  Tonight, I can feel the miles that are separating me from the man that I love. I feel the time that is separating my family.

But I have to be positive.  By the time he comes home, she will be running into his arms. I think about this a lot. I play it in my mind, over and over. The thought makes me smile. And now that she has taken her first step, we are another step closer to that moment.

-Happy 10 months baby girl. You may be little, but you are my rock. I love you always. We are one step closer.

Bean Stalk

WOW. I cannot get over just how lucky I am.  At the beginning of this deployment, I thought I was the unluckiest. But now I can see how truly blessed I am.  I have a beautiful baby girl, a son on the way, and even though he is not here, I have a husband who is good looking and loves me for all my flaws, and continues to make me a better, stronger person.

Briley is about to be 10 months. Time goes by so fast, and she grows even faster. She is gaining more sounds and they have meaning.  They all start with D. (of course) DADA- dad. Duhh- Duck. Doo- Duke. and Deh Deh Deh- can be anything. She will point to what she wants and say deh deh.

She is also learning the meaning of words.  Today when she woke up from her nap, I asked her where her bunny was; she smiled and picked it up.  If I ask her where the baby is she pats my tummy, and tries to lift my shirt. Don't think she actually understands there's a little brother in there- but its so sweet.

She also throws fits like nothing else.  If she doesn't get what she wants she will stick out her lip, cry, and even hit me!! That is a habit that has got to go.

Every day she amazes me.  We are in the process of introducing solid foods.  Tonight I cut up a few spaghetti noodles for her.  I expected it to be all over her. I was prepared for that, she was striped down to a diaper. But she took that spaghetti and tossed every little piece on to the floor that I had just finished mopping. But I didn't feel unlucky.  I felt happy, and even recorded her pouty face as she watched Duke lick up the noodles off the floor, leaving nasty doggie tongue residue on the polished hardwood floor.

Then, during her bath, she pooped. A lot. In the tub. And I had to laugh. I'm still smiling. It is funny. She just kept on splashing away. I took her out and set her on the rug. Next, cleaned out the tub before starting her bath all over again.  And I laughed.  These are the moments I will miss one day.  Yes, I want Seth home as soon as possible, but I can not wish this time with my baby girl away. Its just me and her for just 10 more weeks, and I want to inhale every second as she learns and grows.

Speaking of Seth, the best husband ever.... He ordered me a Mother's Day present!!! Today at my door was a huge box. Inside was one of the most coveted kitchen appliances in the world. Yes, that's right, I got a kitchen aid mixer. Beautiful, Shiny, and Red. This Mama is ready to bake!!  The first thing on the list: cookies to send overseas.

Beyond words

I wish there was a word beyond thank you. I say thank you to a stranger who holds the door open for me. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate such random acts of kindness, and it is especially nice while balancing a wiggly 9 month old on a 28 week belly. However, I need words more powerful then that, for something above and beyond.

I was completely shocked when I discovered my usual stroller strides play group that we attend every Friday was actually a baby shower. Never in my life have I been so surprised.

These ladies had planned out this party for weeks!! Without my knowledge! They thought of every little detail to keep it a secret. They planed with my other friends, who joined in on the action. You know what really surprised me? How they kept it a secret for so long without even flinching.

Not only did my friends shower me with a beautiful party, complete with decorations, delicious food, and cupcakes, but the gifts were so touching and personal. Copies of their own children's favorite books to add to our collection. Adorable boy clothes- which I have a hard time finding since I have an eye for little girl clothes. Diapers. Rattles and toys. Warm, snugly blankets.

Then on top of all of these individual gifts, they all pitched in to get me a double jogging stroller. In the card from everyone there was a target gift card with more then enough to get some last odds and ends.

This is above and beyond what I would expect from friendship. This is family. And this deserves above and beyond thank you. I just hope all of you know how much this means to me, and how grateful I am that I have met all of you.

I had a hard weekend, but anytime I felt down I looked at that big box or some of the adorable tiny outfits, and I remembered, I am not alone. Thank you.

Heart Burns

Last night, one of my good friends asked me what I needed for the baby.  Honestly, I don't even know yet.

And out comes a truth:

  I have not planned this.

Briley was planned. She was planned a year before we even started trying to conceive. I planned her outfits, I planned her room, I planned her birth, I planned bringing her home, and I planned our life as a family of 3.
This is very different.  When I seen those 2 pink lines for the first time, I cried. I got Seth to double check.  "But that one is really faint, right? Maybe i need to take another one."  "Maybe I messed it up." Then the second test, "Maybe we need the digital kind.. they are easier to read."  I had knots in my stomach for days- and it wasn't the morning sickness.

I am happy that we are going to have another baby.  Its just the circumstances. The circumstances are why I am stuck in this denial phase. I'm not in denial that I am pregnant; that is pretty obvious. I get plenty of kicks as reminders. But I am avoiding the fact that I am doing this alone.

There are just so many things to worry about; so many things that are necessary to plan out in advance. Being alone with a nine month old and another baby on the way is a pretty complex situation. But when I try to come up with solutions and plans for all of the possibilities when going into labor, I feel overwhelmed, sad, scared, anxious, and seriously stressed.

When I ignore the fact that I will have to do this with my husband on the other side of the globe, I can function. I can be happy with the pregnancy. I can smile.

However, my friend reminded me that planning this is something I need to do.  She also reminded me that I am not alone. I may not have Seth here, but I do have people I can rely on. Thank goodness, because I need them. My family needs them.

Once I have a plan set in stone (with a plan b, and emergency plan) I will feel much better and I know I will have peace of mind.

I just have to get there. 

~Thank you to my friend.

1/3 of the way there.