Another candle

It's my birthday. Anyone who REALLY knows me well knows that i love my birthday. In the northern hemisphere the 21st of June is the longest day of the year. The first day of Summer.  Therefore the longest birthday. Pure awesomeness. 

Seth surprised me with some very thoughtful and amazing presents. Les Mis. (I've watched half of it now. Maybe I will get to finish this weekend :) ).  The most delicious chocolate covered strawberries.  Then a gorgeous white gold necklace with a diamond rope, accentuating two rubies. My rubies! My two sweet little July babies. I seriously cried when I opened it. Not only did he get me something fancy and beautiful, but it's so thoughtful. My two July babies. I am the happiest mommy and wife. 

Bartender.

I think I will start things off with some sad feelings so that way I can end with the happy ones. I like to end with happy thoughts because I am a happy person. I want you to know that. Don't think that I am not because I might write about some sad feelings. But everyone has them. Even millionaires. Right? Haha yeah I doubt it, too- but here goes:

I need someone to talk to. Sounds easy enough right? No. I need someone I do not know. Some one who doesn't know me. Someone I will probably never see again. So that way, I can say whatever. There are so many things just weighing me down that I cannot talk about, I cannot publish in a blog, or make public. 

 I am not that person. You know that person that posts 3 Facebook statuses about how sad their life is. Or the person that puts all of their drama on facebook? Nope. Not me. I am not sad. I am happy with my life. I am blessed and I am lucky. I don't want to use Facebook to make people feel sorry or me, or feel sad. My main Facebook use is to share with my family who is far away, to have easy conversations and keep in touch. But if I'm going to do anything besides that I want to encourage and to be uplifting. To inspire and to be inspired.  Unfortunately, right  now I am weighed down. I don't  like being weighed down. 

You know who I need?! A bartender!! I know that is the last person a 9 month pregnant lady should be seeing. But think about it- bartenders give you a stress relieving beverage and then listen to your problems. They will nod their head and pretend to care. You can get everything off your chest, they get a good tip, you walk out and never have to see that person in your daily life. Sure the bar tender might judge you, but who cares. They aren't someone that matters in your life. And who knows maybe they know just what to say. 

When I worked as a barista I felt like the bartender of mornings. I gave people a stress relieving beverage and nodded my head as they told me about the job they were off to where they had an annoying coworker or a boss that wouldn't give them time off. Or whatever. I would try to encourage them, Offer an extra shot of espresso, and off into the ratrace they would go. I would like to say that most of these people had a better day, after talking through some of their stresses. I am sure the coffee helped, too. 

Okay the good stuff. Briley is 2 weeks shy of turning one and she has finally cut 2 teeth. Yay!!! I hope she gets the other 2 sooner rather then later. She is the cutest little girl. I am not saying that because she is mine, I am saying that because seriously she is so adorable. I can't believe my little girl is going to be 1. She is my rock. She is why I keep going. She is the reason I want p be happy and strong. Briley is my inspiration. 

Like I said I am not trying to use this as a tool for sympathy or a pity party. Just need to write. It makes me feel better even though I didnt get to write about the things that are bothering me, I was able to say that I can't talk about them. I am bound and determined to write a happy blog next. Nothing but happy. Because I am so fortunate to have this life, the ups an the downs. 

Did I mention I have the most beautiful little girl? Well I do. 

Girlie Time

Today Briley modeled in her first fashion show for Bubele. She was so adorable, even in all of her crankiness backstage.  I was so fortunate to do it with her for Limabeane Maternity and More.

 I had fun, Briley had fun, and the expo was amazing!! It was a great time and a new experience for Briley. We even got to keep Briley's too cute for words outfit!

However, I have had some other factors weighing on my heart today which I am having a hard time ignoring.  I want to stop worrying. I want to go do more things with Briley... more girl time before we add a boy to the family. I miss Seth, I am so over being pregnant right now, there are other confidential issues that have me down.  But I am not going to get this time back. I have about 5 weeks where it is just me and her, and I need quit worrying about things I can not change and enjoy each and every day. One day far too soon my baby will be grown and on her own. Every day she learns something new, and amazes me.

Planning

I am feeling at ease tonight as I have completed an emergency phone number list. As of now, my parents are planning on driving all the way up to NNY from Georgia, so when I have Will, Briley can stay here, sleep in her own be and be in her own house. For me, this is the best case scenario. Briley is my main concern. We have not been seperated  more the a few hours at a time. We live on a pretty strict routine because that is how we function best.  She always does just fine when I leave her with a friend for an apt. She doesn't even blink when I leave. But I am concerned about leaving her for atleat two days. The less change for her the better and if she stays in a familiar place I think she will be more comfortable. 

Unfortunitly in life, things dont always work out the way we would like. My parents might not be able to come, or they might not get here in time, or who knows. So in the case of an emergency I have a list of numbers of wonderful friends.  Also on the list I have my doctors numbers and reminders. Tomorrow I am going to type up a schedule for Briley. Of course that is subject to change as she grows over the next 2 months. But I can change it as we go. 

I feel a big relief having somewhat of an emergency plan. 

The hardest part about having a baby during deployment is leaving my 1st baby. But honestly I think being away from her will be harder on me then it will be for her. She's a strong and resilient little girl, and we will get through this together thanks to a lot of good friends. 

Bubble Gum

Last week, I decided to treat myself to a movie rental at the Redbox.  I don't get to watch movies often. I don't get to watch a TV show often.  So, I make my way to Wallgreens for a formula run. Afterwards, I picked out a comedy and juggling a shopping bag, a purse, and a singing Briley, I pulled out my wallet and out tumbles some change. I could hear multiple coins fall, though I could not see how much over my pregnant belly. At 31 weeks pregnant and holding a 10 month old, I was not about to attempt to bend over for some change.

 Some child holding his mommy's hand will surely see it on their way into the store. He will add it to his piggy bank at home where he is saving up for a new baseball cap. Or maybe after picking up a quarter he will have enough change in his pocket for some bubble gum.  I smiled at the image in my head as I take my movie and began to load Briley into the car.

When I looked up, a man coming out of the store passed the Redbox and bent over.  REALLY?? That quarter was for the little boy and his bubble gum.  The man seemed to smile as he walked to his car, passing a woman on her way in.  She gets to the Redbox and obviously sees some more change because she sped up to go and pick some up. SERIOUSLY. This lady even did a little hop as she added the booty to her pocketbook.

Now I know I had a few quarters in my wallet,some dimes- but it wasn't like I had more then a dollar or so in change. And I had no cash that could have fallen. So these grown adults, both about a decade or so older then me, were all happy about a quarter or some dimes.  I shook my head and headed home. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?!? You didn't look like it, but I hope you needed that change.  Somewhere out there there is a little boy that is a quarter short of some bubble gum.

Fluffy Stuff

Feathers. Everywhere. That pretty much sums up the past two weeks.  

Seth had one feather pillow. It hasn't been on our bed for years. I usually save it for guests, and recently I have kept it on my couch for mid-morning napping. Since it has been on the couch it has gained a lovely collection of drool, spit-up, and sticky baby-hand residue. I threw it in the washer, on a gentle cycle. Then I put it in the dryer, on medium.  I have read that you can clean feather pillows this way. Well, I go to open the dryer and I was enveloped in a fog of flying feathers. 

That one moment is a perfect example of my life lately; everything seems to be going wrong, life has been hard to be honest with you.  But at the same time, I have to laugh.  Briley has been very demanding.  We have been fighting a runny nose, a cough, and a changing schedule. 

In addition, I am getting bigger, more tired, and definitely more uncomfortable.  Its hard to get up, its hard to bend over, its harder when you are holding a 19 pound baby. Its hard to sleep. Its hard to keep up with the house, Its impossible to keep the dog clean.

 But this is what life is all about. Its kinda beautiful if you think about it. I miss Seth a lot. I wish he was here to give me a hand when I'm trying to stand up. And I wish he was here to get me some fried pickles late at night. I especially wish he was here to hug me after a long day.  But I'm okay... as long as I can finish gathering the last of the flying feathers out of my laundry room. I've got this. I am one more day closer.

First Steps

First steps. One of the biggest milestones. On the day of her 10th month, Briley took her first steps toward me after letting go of her activity table.  Naturally it came with a mix of emotions. So exciting! So happy! But oh my baby girl is growing in to a toddler so fast! And then there is the fact that Seth isn't here to see it. I tried to get her to do it while he Skyped us,  but she was too excited to see him on the computer.  I got to tell him about that first magical step, he seen her standing, and I am thankful for that. However, it is just not the same.  I know I should be happy, but I can feel that hole in my heart.

This past week I have been doing well emotionally, with a few hormonal exceptions. I have felt optimistic about time passing by and how soon he will be home.  Tonight I feel like it is light years away.  Tonight, I can feel the miles that are separating me from the man that I love. I feel the time that is separating my family.

But I have to be positive.  By the time he comes home, she will be running into his arms. I think about this a lot. I play it in my mind, over and over. The thought makes me smile. And now that she has taken her first step, we are another step closer to that moment.

-Happy 10 months baby girl. You may be little, but you are my rock. I love you always. We are one step closer.